19.

today marks my 19th year as an independent body, and i'm celebrating
it in all my faded glory.
CHURCH.

dreaming of getting cozy with an o-z and blazing into the new year. i
feel like running...get high and run...serious. when i'm really REALLY
blown, i don't consciously react to shit and instinct takes
over...lmao...i'm all on my avatar shit now...serious, though. it's
just fun as FUCK.

Avatar.

i'ma just say this: GO SEE THAT SHIT...HIGH

finally.

forget the anger and shit from the last post. called my mom up so she could pick me up for christmas...and she said i could come back home...like, FOR GOOD. fuck yes. and goddammit i'ma clean the FUCK outta my room...i will scrub the house down as long as i'm living in it again...i mean, i'm still on 'fuck christmas' mode, but...maaan this is just took a chunk out of it.

fuckery.

i'm really hoping my cousin comes through tonight, cuz if my grandma walks in the door bitching like she did last night, i may end up homeless.

i need to find the neighborhood weed man QUICK. i lucked up the other day during a random encounter (long story) and ended up with enough green (and creative energy) to successfully recreate the cross joint from pineapple express, but since then i've been completely ARID.

i talked to my mom today. she asked me if i wanted her to pick me up tonight to come over christmas. i told her i'd let her know...haven't called her back yet. it's not that i don't wanna be home, it's just such a screwed-up situation (again, no fault but my own)...close to the end of the conversation she hit me with some fuckery though..."maybe you should come over tonight...cuz your room is horrible..."

pause...pause...PAUSE...
in my head: she wants me to come over...clean my room...and leave again??? WHAT THE FUCK??
out loud: "mm-hm..."

don't get me wrong, i know it's my fault i'm out and everything, but to ask me to come back and clean my room...just so i can not live in it??? idk, maybe it's just me, but that's dirty.

that kinda pissed me off.

[moving forward...]

shit...i kinda lost my train of thought...uh...

in more positive news, i got a lot of writing done today. that's good for whenever i get a chance to record, and it keeps me busy (mentally).

it's about 9:30 now. my grandma's probably on the way home from the shop and i'd really like to be upstairs pretending to be sleep when she gets here. at the same time though, i'm checking my google voice account to see if my cousin hit me back yet, cuz that could mean a temporary escape from Stressed-Out Bitch Lady. hm...looks like a relay race.

...aaaand i'm off.

bueno.

so...i'm still in exile, i don't really know anyone here, i'm alone most of the time, i'm not going to college, most of my friends aren't picking up or calling me back, i've got about $27 to my name, and my grandma's got me baking cakes for her so that i'm not sitting idle in the house...o, and my 19th birthday's next thursday. y'know what, though? I'M STILL GOOD. why? because i say so, basically. i figure if i keep telling myself that shit's fine, i'll eventually believe it. so, everything's good. hey, i woke up this morning...i look at that as a positive now. i mean, i got video games, and tv, and movies if i get bored. not to mention the pc. if i get tired of that i can go outside and wander aimlessly or work out in the garage. my plan of action is to basically keep my mind busy. stopping to dwell seems to only lead to depressive thoughts and reverse progress.

[next...]

so christmas is this friday...and that's pretty much all there is to it. needless to say, i'm miles away from being in the christmas spirit. i mean, i'm making ebenezer look like saint nick, mentally. i'm not really bothered by that, though. i'm just kinda hoping i don't get anything for christmas (not a farfetched thought). i didn't get anybody SHIT, and i hate getting shit on christmas without having something to give back in return...it's awkward.

alright...time to get busy...been sitting down too long.

pressure.

my life is hell right now. don't get me wrong, it could be much worse, but right now it's hell enough. i'm afraid that the relationship between my mother and i is ruined, or at least permanently scarred. her kicking me out of the house has significantly widened the rift that was already gradually forming between us. i don't see this falling-out as a fault on her part, because her actions were only a response to my own. if i weren't such a shitty son, she wouldn't have had to resort to such drastic measures. still, i didn't improve and she responded as one would expect under such circumstances.

i'm really trying to keep my head up, but it's harder now because i feel even more alone than ever before (yea yea, cue violins...). me and my mother didn't really have deep discussions frequently, but when i was troubled before her presence was enough to quell it.

my sister and cousin are good to talk to when i'm stressed, but i shy away from calling too often for fear that they'll get tired of me and stop picking up. i mean, they're family, so that shouldn't be the case. i think that's just my low-self-esteem taking hold...but damn, it's sure holding strong. i don't really talk to the close friends i have for the same reason...probably with even more hesitancy.

living with my grandma (father's side) isn't really going too well either. we don't communicate well. at all. i'm trying to be a gracious house guest, but she's excessively critical/cynical/verbally abrasive and i've known that for years. still, it seems like she's kicked it into overdrive recently, and with good reason. to be honest, i really shouldn't be here. she's got SO MUCH SHIT on her plate already, all i'm doing is adding more stress. with her mom in the ICU in critical condition, a struggling barbershop, serious financial hardships, and hounding bill collectors...not to mention her forever grieving for my lost father...now here i am: an extra bum-ass nigga with my own personal problems, dogpiling on to all of the aforementioned shit and causing her to lose even MORE sleep at night.

it's funny...i thought venting on here would ease my mind...sort of relieve the pressure a bit...
false.

[note to self]: stop bitching.

24601

my mom kicked me out of the house monday night...whoa. i stayed at my uncle's apartment in atlantic station the past two nights. now i'm at my grandma's (father's side) house, which is only about 5 minutes away from home my mom's house. she's giving me two weeks to put a plan together and execute it, but if i fail to do that, i'm out again. obvious questions aside and unanswered, i'll update when i can.

reverse.

if there IS a god, he read my last post and purposely fucked up my
plans. of course, i don't believe that, so the fact that on the day i
chose to set progress in motion, i ended up farther behind is irony at
its finest. ...damn, irony was a sexy bitch today...

still, i refuse to let that throw me off...adapt and move...i WILL NOT
lose momentum.
period.

where...

is the goddamned reset button when you need it?
why does it seem that i'm only appreciating the sky after i've buried
myself so far underground, i can't see it anymore?
i mean fuck...i'm only gonna be 19 on the 31st...that's WAYYY too
early in life to be thinking like thinking like this. still, i am. so
i'm going to fix it.
my new year's resolution is simple (in words): stop being a fuck-up.
sounds kinda simple, but when you account for all of the pieces of my
life that are in disarray, you see how much work there is to be done.
that's why i'm getting a head start on it. like, today. i would say
that this is me planning to hit '10 running, but as far as i'm
concerned, this is just catch-up. key thing for me is to stay focused
and motivated...i have a nasty habit of losing momentum. i'm not sure
how to work through that yet, but i'll be damned if i'm not gonna try.

for starters.

it's not that i haven't wanted to post anything, it's just that my pc
died and i couldn't figure out how to post from my ps3...until now,
that is. so i'm back, hopefully.

unfortunately the articulate portion of my mind is out for the
night...i'll be good tomorrow, though.

shit...

my aunt died this morning.

i just found out a few hours ago...around 10, i think. i mean, she was 81, so she lived a full life and all...but in my head it's like "damn...eccentric old, eyelash-story tellin', always gave me a dollar, sweet as can be aunt zelma's gone...fuck".

that's not what hit me the hardest though, because, like i said, she was 81 and had lived a full life. what really hurt me was my grandma's reaction. seriously, that kind of pain is impossible to hide and she made no attempts to do so. i just found out i don't really know how to diffuse that level of sadness. all i could do was stand with my arm around her as she listened to the bad news bearer...pretty much just trying to be right there and provide whatever support i could. she's a damn strong woman though, undoubtedly. after she got off the initial call, she went about the arduous task of calling her other sisters (2 left now, and a brother held out of touch by my shameful-ass cousins.) to tell them the news. it's like she did exactly what i tried to do for her. she held her composure exceedingly well as she tried to console them. that right there amazes me. that strength...because if MY sister (or cousin, who's like another sister) died? fuck the world, i'm goin off to my room, door locked, music on blast, and i gotta shut down for a day or two.

so that's got me feeling bad, then my mom comes home...and my grandma's asleep. so i gotta be the one to tell her that her aunt's dead. i've never had to inform someone that another family member's dead, but i didn't wanna pretend like everything was fine and have my grandma tell her in the morning...and i kinda just blurted it out. she deflated when she heard the news. her expression fell, and she sighed heavily. i could just see that i'd ruined her night...and then, after apologizing for doing so, i find out someone else had already put her in a depressed mood for the night and that i'd just added on to it.

so now my grandma's cried herself to sleep, my mom's crying herself to sleep, and i'm dealing with the grief of my aunt's death mixed with the asshole feeling i got from adding yet another layer of bad news to my mother's emotional palette.

makes all my other problems feel ->| |<- that small.

ugh, i need a good blunt right now.

[...].

planetrip.2

turbulence.

woke me up out of my sleep.

the captain insists everything is fine but every time i think of the initial jolt that woke me up,

another one occurs.

and it's always rougher than the last.

the in-flight movie was good. Unbreakable, with Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson. one of my favorites. though the plane hit another rough patch just as Elijah Price crashed down a flight of steps, causing its projector to malfunction.

ironic.

i do so wish there were other people on this plane, my PSP's acting funny. it's got one song on repeat:

All the Young Dudes by Mott the Hoople.

"and freddy's got spots from ripping off the stars from his face..."

i'll sleep when the battery dies.

[happy trails].

planetrip.

i just put msyelf on an airplane, and there are two things that can happen to this plane:

1. it can land safely at its predetermined destination (where that is? no one knows).
2. it can explode in mid-air, severely burning me; but letting me live long enough to hit the ocean at terminal velocity.

i'm not exactly sure where i'm headed, or if i'll even make it there. i'm not sure i'll like it if i make it there, or if i'll find solace in flames.

so...

for right now?

i'm gonna fight with this impossible-to-open bag of airplane peanuts, sweet-talk the stewardess into giving me some free head......phones, and wait for the in-flight movie to start.

[happy trails].

so...uh...shit, idk.

i'm inarticulate right now, typing-wise. it'd be much easier to talk, but i'm too ugly for vlogging so...yea...out the window. i think i'll just peruse other peoples' blogs for the time being. maybe i'll get inspired.

ran[dumb]shit.

-"so there you go, you're the retarded offspring of 5 monkeys having buttsex with a fish squirrel. congratulations."

-religious types make me laugh the hardest, christians in particular. muslims the least, though (cuz, not only do they get angry, they get violent).

-my electronics are failing me one by one. first my tv gets these weird lines at the top of the screen, then my phone decides it wants to press buttons without my assistance, then my psp decides it wants to function without a working screen, and of course there's this computer that bricks on me every whenever-the-fuck-it-feels-like-it.

-i can sit and watch MythBusters, Dirty Jobs, and/or How It's Made forever. discovery channel is my SHIIIEEET (a la Katt Williams in American Hustle)

-my mother and i are drifting farther and farther apart and it's my doing, albeit inadvertantly.

-that's MY bush!

-the video doesn't work anymore.

-Road to the Multiverse is now one of my favorite family guy episodes.

-if you need producers, post an ad on craigslist. 1 out of every 5 will actually be nice with it, and there'll be lots of them.

-craigslist is the shit in general

-i watched Seven Pounds when i was high and almost cried cuz of the way will smith was makin fun of woody harrelson.

-to my credit, i was REAAAALLLY stoned.

-meg gets done dirty...often.

-Wednesday's Child: 'cause everybody hates mondays.

-note to my cousins: when i say don't use the computer, and y'all do it anyway? PLEASE be clever enough to turn the sound off when you boot it up, cuz i definitely heard the piano riff when you turned it on (and when you turned it off real quick when i came upstairs...non-slick, destitute bastards).

-i got high and took this picture...and edited it high...and i'm a genius high...

[fin].

jobHUNT.

rebounding from my complete and utter summer employment failure, i'm hitting the work force HARD. i'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sick of being broke -n- bumass it's not funny. i mean, i'm looking EVERYWHERE.

so yea, it's job hunt volume 2: ...the sequel...0_0

[on another menu...]

i have the flu, apparently. my doctor (who looked EXACTLY like Charlie Runkle from Californication) prescribed this medicine for me to take, but (being all broke -n- bumass) i didn't have the money for it so i'm home with a fever and body aches and runny knows and a bad attitude. on top of that, i'm supposed to be hitting my connect up about studio time this afternoon. i mean, my breathing's fine and all, i'm just tired as fuck. laying down tracks wouldn't be impossible, just a chore. i SWEAR a fat blunt would set me super-straight right now, but (being all broke -n-bumass...SEE THE TREND?!?)...

yea, gotta get on my job...literally.

[and with that...]

i'm

[outtius].

madlib.

jacked this post from this beauty right here (click).

My name is Alex and I am awesome. I like to get high and watch movies and I also make beautiful rap sounds with my mouthparts. I have 1 extranged half-brother and 1 supremely awesome sister. I wish i had a home studio and that i wasn't broke as FUCK 24/7. In order for me to survive I need music, weed, family, and these dope-ass doritos. I hate ignorance, joblessness and overzealous religous types. I have no capacity for comprehending bullshit. People most likely think i'm either A) not a rapper or B) a shitty one, but I'm surprisingly dope with it. I need to listen to music everyday. I know how to make people feel stupid without necessarily trying. I need to find a job so i can stop being all broke and bitchass. I don't like it when people shut me down based on my appearance I have an abundance of sharpie makers and lighters. When I am bored I like to wander around the park. By the end of the day all I want is to put some music out, smoke a blunt, and watch some crazy shit on the internet. In 10 years I want to have my own label, a dedicated female, a son, and a comfortable-or-above lifestyle...o, and a colossal stash of weed. I guess you can say I'm ...well, what can you say?

on a completely unrealted note, Marsha Ambrosius is THEE shit. check out the songs on my playlist, a couple of hers from Yours Truly are on there.

and with that, i'm...

[outtius].

justgottamakeit.

"i know music was your life, so i made it my passion.

i'm just tryna be now what you were gonna be back then..."

-[Alex Parker]., For My Pops

so i just got off the phone with my mom's ex (from like, pre-puberty...loooong time) who works in the music biz (used to be in production or something, now he does distribution work), and he's gonna make some calls and hopefully get me in the studio at some point this week. i'm trying to lay down at least three songs (Jay-Z Meets Shwayze/5 Shades/bitter.), with the intention of getting them out to whoever is hearing-capable with a good ear for hip-hop. out of all the hopeful studio situations that have fallen before me and failed miserably, this one seems the most concrete because A) he's been in the business at least 10 years, so he's bound to have a lot of reliable music connects; and B) we go back a long time so i doubt he'd half-ass or short-sheet me in this situation. i told him i was serious and that i really wanna do this full-time. hopefully he heard the sincerity.

[man...]

i really really really really really hope this works out...and well. i mean, i know i'm talented, but i'm grounded in the fact that this industry is trivial and that success isn't guaranteed no matter how talented you are or what connections you have. i think that was a run-on sentence. whoops. but seriously, i've got my hopes up. if this falls off, it'll feel like a plane crash (yeezy throwback line: Common feat. John Legend & Kanye West - They Say).

alright, time to go practice some more...rehearsing and making sure everything's tight and record-ready.

[outtius].

faded glory.

i write tonite

under the watchful eye

of my kush-powered high.

seems like i've been smoking a LOT of weed this week. i mean, i smoke a lot in general...i guess (patchy memory...sign of good green? or early onset alzheimer's?...must be the ganja.) this week in particular seems to be noticeably...verdant. no complaints here, just enjoying it. speaking of enjoyment......OMG-UNIT THIS MOTHERFUCKING WEATHER!! fall is feeling awesome right now. the doc's got me hopped up on allergy and asthma meds so i can actually enjoy the weather instead of sneezing and wheezing my way through these next couple of transition months.

[this is where i lost my train of thought...]

serious...no idea what i was gonna say next. i'm listening to this acoustic version of this FOB song and its awesome is distracting me. i smoked a blunt around 5:30-ish and i'm STILL high. that's awesome, right? i think so. i kinda wanna get kitchen-creative. maybe make the teriyaki chicken i've been craving for about 2 weeks.

[serious though...]

i need to record some shit. i've really fallen off on my music, recording-wise (i never stop writing). i really need to organize my shit so i can start scraping funds together. i may even start re-applying to different stores and shit tomorrow. i know a lot of people are gonna be hiring extra people to compensate for the busy holiday season and i'm sure i can capitalize on that. doesn't even have to be a glamorous job. i'm a strong dude, i can unload shit for ups all day. just need one of those man-girdles that keep you from ripping your back in half if you so happen to lift wrong. i wonder what the official name for that contraption is. i don't wanna walk around talking about "ay! where the fuck is my man-girdle?!" no bueno.

[ok...on to shit i'm loving right now]

i've got this premature love for the movie Where the Wild Things Are based on all the kickass trailers, concept art, and production stills i've seen. something about it seems really incredible. the locations and lighting styles used make it look like a place i could just go get lost in and...well, be a wild thing. pause to get past the corny-ness. i got a feeling that, after watching this movie, i'm gonna be going out in the woods behind my house all winter, just because it looks similar out there. fuck, i want a giant animal friend to play with in the woods...so long as i don't get eaten or thrown into a tree. i saw in one of the trailers where one of those muhfuckas threw that little kid like a ragdoll. i mean, yea he was laughing, but shit...i'm a tad acrophobic i suppose.

ok...my stomach's really growling now. time to consume. hopefully this is me getting back into my regular writing habit. if not, facebook me (lol, been watchin I Love You, Man).

...aaand

[scene].

after-thought.

on a positive note, i sparked the most vicious police vs. eastern european gunfight in the history of GTA IV. the AI on that game is astoundingly lifelike. i mean, people were running for cover, the cops were calling in back up, the europeans were noticeably more violent and rougher than the cops...it lasted like 10 minutes...coolest in-game shit ever and i caused it. lol...spoke to my inner nerd.

idk.

CAUTION: i'm about to complain a lot. also, this is more of a vent than a somewhat structured entry, so it may come off as such and, therefore, be difficult to follow. maybe.

i need direction. it seems like there's more wrong with me than there is right half of the time. the way i look seems to make girls like me like europeans liked the bubonic plague, the way i approach life/the way i think of things/the things i care about/the things i don't care about/my godlessness hurts my mother, my work ethic is shitty, i seem to have an inherent intellectual superiority complex that i have to keep in check, and i'm more self-centered than i'd like to be. just all kinds of fucked up.

it's not that i've never noticed before, it's just that it gets to me sometimes. like, realizing that most girls are going "HELL no" in their minds waaaaay before i scrape up any semblance of the courage needed to say hi? that shit's hard to deal with, and i'm sick of people saying that that's not the case. i've seen that shit first hand, plus people have this thing about talking about me around me and assuming that i'm partially deaf. then of course my attitude toward shit is shitty. not caring about shit just makes my mom sad. and i HATE the fact that she's losing sleep over me, mother or not.

the thing about that is, i don't know how to go about changing it. i don't know if i want to change it. i just don't know in general. i can't decide if i want to try and improve my appearance or just commit to my ugliness and go full-on freak show. i can't decide if i want to try and change for the better or just say FUCK IT and go about my own business. i'm in this "i don't know" rut, basically. fueled by poor self-image, heartlessness, intensely anti-social behavior, and whatever else is going on here.

y'know, i thought venting would make me feel better, but reading over this i just feel like some angsty teenaged stereotype.

fucking great time to be out of weed. i need an escape, and music doesn't always work fast enough.

[fuck].

boobs.4

i wish women didn't take boob compliments adversely.

"did you do something new with your hair? it looks nice!"

"thanks!"

"is that a new bra? it looks nice!"

*SLAP*

i'm just sayin...

[amiwrong]?

positive.

i really would like to talk about my week in depth, but i'm also really trying to stay positive, so i'm not going to talk about my week. well, i can talk about my sister, she came over this week. that was positive. we saw g.i. joe, that was positive. she had to leave early. whoops, negative. ok, ok...re-do. uh...met some new rappers this week. positive. uh....well...yea, that's it. =/

[on another menu...]

i really need to get on this job thing. i need money for: recording equipment, a guitar, a keyboard, guitar/keyboard accessories, studio headphones (well, i guess that goes with recording equipment), a new bike wheel, clothes, shoes, i'm trying to restart my book collection, ps3 games, a new ipod, a new PHONE, weed, gardening tools, a new camera, CDs, a new flash drive (though i did just boost this nice 4 gig from wal-mart...don't judge me.), and a lot of other shit. not to mention money for the big things like a car, college, housing, college, college...yea, that shit's gonna be expensive. my sib's working on getting her funds straight for college right now and i can see that it's a hassle. not looking forward to that. though i am looking forward to college in general. can't wait til spring.

[in other news...]

well, no. no other news. time to kick back and whoop ass on MK vs. DC.

[outtius].

YOU.

are a fucking hypocrite.

this is intended for one person, and one person only. if you feel that this applies to you though, get your life together.

[werd].

and let it [_____].

touch! and no, not the upbeat sex described by one Mr. Grandberry, i'm talking about the pending love of my cellular life: the LG enV Touch.

after an hour and a half or so of phone browsing (i'm eligible for a full upgrade as of 7/30), i decided that: A) i'm going to stick with verizon, simply because they really haven't done me wrong service-wise; and B) the enV Touch is crack, plain and simple. now, why don't i have this phone yet? because (big SMH moment here) my mom's buying it for me. well, idk if it's really that bad in general, but i like to buy my own shit when i can (i bought my last phone). that way no one can tell me what to do with it, or use it as leverage in some future argument or whatever. of course, she's not gonna just buy it for me just because my current phone is an ailing piece of shit, i have to work for it. what does that work entail? I WISH I FUCKING KNEW. i asked her DAYS ago to just give me a list of all the shit i need to do around the house so that i can get a new phone and ditch the old one ASAP because, frankly, it's gonna go out any day now. her response? "i'll think about it." great. that was monday. to be clear, my impatience isn't so much because i want that phone in particular, it's just that i'm sincerely in need of a new functioning phone. that just happens to be the best one out (IMO) for just $100. so i'm not being all butt-hurt because i want a fancy phone. i'm also aware that a cell phone in general is not particularly a necessity, but it's becoming more so in the labor force as a more reliable contact source. i mean...well, idk. it's just a pain not to have one these days.

[/rant].

4 + 2 - 1 + (-1) - 5 + 8 x 5 - 15 / 3 - 31.[things]

(i really need to stop with these...)

You've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with the 3's of YOU. At the end, choose 20 people to be tagged.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 3's of Me, tag 20 people - in the right hand corner of the app - then click publish.)

Three names I go by:
1. Kevin Wright (real)
2. Alex Parker (stage)
3. KvnTheTruth (former stage name)

Three Jobs I have had in my life

(i gotta get creative with my answers cuz uh...i've only had one official job and it wasn't even legit)
1. Phat Headz Barbershop - Sweeping/General Maintenance...janitor (fired by my grandma)
2. Vector Marketing Corporation - Sales Rep. (fired after 3 days due to lack of funds, go figure)
3. Rapper/Entertainer (working on that now)

Three Places I have lived
1. CA
2. GA
3. in my head

Three Favorite drinks
1. Water
2. Peach Juice
3. Kool-Aid (pink, blue, yellow, and orange mainly.)

Three TV Shows that I watch when I get to watch
1. Dexter (Showtime
2. Entourage (HBO)
3. True Blood (HBO)

Three places I have been
1. Texas
2. Chicago
3. Florida

People that text me regularly
regularly?...uh...damn. last text i got was days ago...from my mom. =/
1.
2.
3.

Three of my favorite foods.
1. Chicken
2. Chicken
3. Chicken

Three friends I think will respond
yea...uh.....

1.
2.
3.

Three things I am looking forward to
1. working on my music
2. working on my graphics (photoshop)
3. working on my photography

my life, according to.[The Beatles]

Hello my friends... I thought you might actually enjoy this (or I would enjoy your answers), so I tagged you. You were not chosen at random, so please play along. :)

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick Your Artist:
The Beatles

Are you Male or Female?

I Wanna Be Your Man

Describe yourself:
I'm a Loser

How do you feel:
I Feel Fine

Describe where you currently live:
Yellow Submarine in Pepperland

If you could go anywhere where would you go:
Across the Universe

Your favorite form of transportation is:
Flying

Your best friend is:
Rocky Raccoon

You and your best friends are:
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

What's the Weather Like?
Rain

What is your favorite time?
Any Time at All

If your life was a TV show what would it be called?
A Shot of Rhythm and Blues

What is Life to you?
No Reply

Your last relationship:
You've Got to Hide Your Love Away

Your fear:
The End

What is the best advice you have to give?
Act Naturally

Thought for the day:
Happiness is a Warm Gun

How would I like to die?
When I'm Sixty-Four

My Soul's present condition:
Ooh! My Soul

My motto:
I'm Looking Through You

shit else to do, i don't have.

You can only use an answer 1 time! (no copying) All answers must start with your last initial! Its harder than you think!

You can only use an answer 1 time!

1. What is your last name ?...............Wright

2. 4 letter word...................word

3. Vehicle: ................................ winnebago

4. City, State or county..............Washington D.C.

5. Boy Name:..............................Wiglaf

6. Girl Name: ............................. Wysandra

7. Occupation: ...........................Welder

8. Something you wear:........... wristwatch

9. Food: ......................................watermelon

10. Found in a bathroom:....... washcloth

11. Reason for Being Late:.......... weather

12. Something you shout:.........WILSON!!!!!!

13. Animal:................................. Welsh Green (harry potter)

14. Word to describe you:............. [werd].

1. What is your last name ?...............Parker

2. 4 letter word...................park

3. Vehicle: ................................ Porsche

4. City, State or county..............Peru

5. Boy Name:..............................Phylus

6. Girl Name: ............................. Pan

7. Occupation: ...........................Parole Officer

8. Something you wear:........... pants

9. Food: ......................................panini

10. Found in a bathroom:....... paper towels

11. Reason for Being Late:.......... pancreatic cancer

12. Something you shout:.........PAUSE

13. Animal:................................. phoenix

14. Word to describe you:............. pangea?

bootleg.

pirated movies stored on my ps3 as of 8.2.09 (sorted by import date):

Donnie Darko

The Lion King (Special Edition)

The Dark Knight

Pineapple Express

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Iron Man

The Incredible Hulk

Taken

Tropic Thunder

The Day The Earth Stood Still

Transformers

Across The Universe

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Coraline

The Hangover

Madea Goes to Jail

Observe and Report

Confessions of a Shopaholic

The Soloist

Night at the Museum 2

17 Again

i'm really glad my grandma is incapable of distinguishing sober me from high-off-my-ass me. apparently nothing was amiss when i held a conversation with her in my adam west voice, even as i was frying chicken and refusing all advice from her other than "use flour". everytime she made a suggestion i'd stop everything, turn to her, and say "no...i don't want that." then resume normal activity like i didn't just attempt to qualify for a daytime emmy.

[in related news...]

i think i do my best cooking in space. the combination of me being this creative genius, coupled with the raw driving power of the munchies makes for some interesting meal decisions. within this past week i've made buffalo wings, taco salad, mashed potatoes (with light cheese and olive oil), teriyaki chicken burgers, ice cream with nesquick powder in it, garlic and cheese-crusted pan-fried chicken breasts, and a salad with peach-mango applesauce instead of salad dressing. now, to be honest, the most i remember about any of this is cooking it and ravaging it. because i'm me, i know it tasted good, i just don't remember actually tasting it, seeing as i was in a voracious stupor during.

[unrelated news...]

i think em has the potential to ruin mariah carey's career. i mean, he's done it before (remember mr. atkins? yea, MURDAAAAAAA'D), albeit with the aid of two fellow hip-hop juggernauts. still, mariah seems to be an easy target: lyrical prowess >> vocal prowess. eminem's lyrics are on point. period. mariah "see right through you like you're bathing in windex" carey? not so much..."but she can sing!"

yea, let's see her sing her way out of this one.

[outty].

spacewalk.

i left for a while, and i've returned with nothing. i've been living in space the past few days. visually intriguing here, but deathly silent at times. i'm contemplating re-entry, though my fuel is abundant and the fuel lines are wholly intact. maybe i'll visit earth for a few days...get a feel for it, y'know? maybe...maybe later.

[werd].

here.[though i shouldn't]

*sigh*

[coming soon].

confusion [part].1

you ever hear/read/see something that makes you respond in a way that you either (A), didn't expect to react to or (B), didn't expect to react to again? it's highly disconcerting.

[to be continued after careful consideration].

fear.

fear is keeping me alive. i don't particularly like my life, nor do i feel that my being here contributes to society in a positive way on most occasions. with that logic, i began to consider suicide. during that consideration i tried to find peace with a god, whose existence was already in question. during that search, i came to believe wholeheartedly that god does not exist. well, with god and the whole afterlife thing out of the window, i tried to find solace in my pending nonexistence. where i sought solace, i found fear. simply put, my mind cannot wrap itself around the notion of nonexistence. even as i type, my breath is short, my heart rate is increasing, and my head is pounding at the thought of it. how can one not remember existing? of course, the common logic is "why does it matter? you won't exist anyway" but that's the thing...that's future tense. right now? right now i'm very much alive, very much aware of what can happen in death, and very much afraid of that. so, as i stated previously, fear is keeping me alive.

[ironic].

"maybe i'm feelin myself too much? i guess..."

[werd].

I Wanna Fuck Your Mother.[skewed lyrics]

I ain't got no money
but I ain't like those other boys she hangs around
and it's kinda funny

'Cause they always seem to let her down
But I get discouraged
'Cause I never see her anymore

And I want her love, babe
That's all I'm living for, yeah
I didn't wanna pressure you, baby
But all I ever wanted to do

I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna be the only one that makes her come running
I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna turn her on, turn her out
All night long, make her shout
Your mother! Yeah!

I wanna be the only one she comes for

I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna fuck your cousin and your sister, too
There ain't no other
That can do the things that I'll do to her

And I get discouraged
'Cause she treats me just like her child
And they say I'm so shy
But with her I'd just go wild!

I didn't wanna pressure you, baby (No)
But all I ever wanted to do

I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna be the only one that makes her come running
I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna turn her on, turn her out
All night long make her shout
Your mother!! Yeah!

I wanna be the only one she comes for, yeah

"and we're all too smart to talk to god..."

"I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously."

-Douglas Adams

i think that faith is something you're born with. i believe that those faithful christians, the ones that grow to be atheists later in life, never actually did believe in god. i think that they, like me, spent that time trying hard to establish a belief in him. they, like me, wanted to believe in him. it's just that some circumstances can push you over the fence into strict non-belief. faith and intelligence, in my opinion, are two sides of a scale. faith, more often than not, blinds common sense. religious people often find themselves praying and waiting on a miracle...relying on the strength of some phenomenal cosmic being rather than themselves. same thing applies to the inverse: the more self-reliant and personally aware a person becomes...the more knowledgeable they become, they put that much less faith in religious deities. now, i am in no way inferring that the religous faith-based population consists of the less-than brilliant. what i mean to say is that those religious types usually find a balance in that scale between faith and their full intellectual potential. now, take with that also the fact that if a scale is balanced, neither side is at its full potential.

in short, religion is the twisted ankle of an intelligent body.

synergy.

"Maybe everyone else is on top of it, or maybe they're all just better at hiding it.

I'm falling through an open space, and I'm grabbing for hands that aren't open for me. My friends maybe aren't always there, I need someone to listen to me. I'm sick of only helping. I'm sick of having to tell others that their lives are good, when I'm struggling to tell myself that. I'm left out in the rain, rusting. I sound like a broken record, skipping. If this is all I've got, then I'm a rip off. Hyped up, its not worth it. Its like I'm giving off an infomercial of myself, and the eventual buyer is going to be disappointed, they're going to want to get their three easy payments back. Good thing I come with a customer satisfaction guarantee. And don't worry, you get to keep the free gift..."

via: Wish on the Brightest Star.

[werd].

$20 Nose Bleed.

i found a copy of The Invisible Man in my closet. it belongs to the school, but since i don't know when i'm going back (if ever), i'm keeping it. i've only read it once, and that was when i was 15. i started to read it again last september, but i got sidetracked with the rest of my life. BUT, seeing as my life is going nowhere important at the moment, now's a good time to start a book. besides, i do so enjoy this novel.

i've got $20 to my name and i'm hanging onto it for dear life.

i'm going give meditation a shot, though it will take quite a bit of effort. a comment on my previous post has piqued my interest in it, and now i feel compelled to try it. i've been studying meditation techniques all day and, though apparently it has no negative/positive affect, i think i'm going to go with the lotus position. though i will probably incorporate the sit-stand method, seeing as i'm completely novice to this.

i wrote two new songs yesterday, and am furiously searching for my sketchbook. idk what happened last nite/this morning, but a big mental block got pushed aside and ideas are bursting forward rather rapidly.

my family and i had tacos for dinner today (4th of July). uncle sam would be pissed.

[werd].

3 beautiful words.

i'm inspired again.

tomb.

my stomach is KILLING me. has been all day. i'm worried that it may be an ulcer. i've been kind of wary of those since i have so much trouble with the physical manifestation of my emotions. i really hope that isn't the case. i mean, fuck, i'm only 18...what 18-year-old has ulcers? migraines are plausible, but an ulcer? i thought that was for the middle-aged and overweight. y'know, the businessmen with high cholesterol. idk...hopefully this passes soon.

in other news...

i need something to do. after applying to every job within a 10-mile radius, getting hired by the one that turns out to be a scam, and getting fired (for lack of money, go figure) four days later...i'm moody and bored. this is where not having a car (hell, a bike would be nice) really comes in and kicks me in my already-bruised balls. i'm sick of my house. i really wish i had at least ONE good friend somewhere in the world. then maybe i'd have a place to crash every once in a while when i need an escape. sadly, that's not the case. my "friends" seem to only be friends to an immensely limited extent. it seems i only see my friends when they need something from me, or when my house is the nearest escape from the heat. useful, yet disposable. lol, i remember when i was a loner by choice.

BUT, in brighter news...

Horton Hears a Who! is on HBO now! sure, it's only a temporary fix for the multitude of personal problems that seem to be stacking up around me, but i'll take it. besides, that movie was AWESOME. haven't seen it since i saw it at the movies, so none of the jokes will be stale to me. yea, i think i'm gonna go watch that now.

adi-

Mr.[Solo]Cup

Mr.[Solo]Cup

Mr.

Solo

Cup.

my cup runneth over empty.

flickr: here.

job.[less]

i just got fired from my first job because i don't have enough money to pay for the sample kit needed to actually perform the demos for customers.

to be honest, i kind of want to kill myself.

no, i'm not going to do it. i'm too fearful of death.

but DAMN, does it sound appealing.

i wasn't even there a week.

FUCK. MY. LIFE.

[HARD].

damn.

so the first thing i do when i wake up this morning is turn my tv on. i guess i fell asleep on MTV, and they're playing Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough. now it's really hittin me like, damn...it's true. it's really, really true. fuck!... i really didn't even wanna write about it, everybody else is. i would've liked to just stay lite and positive but...this is literally a world event. this shit is just all kinds of fucked up.

on a related note, i don't think that atheist is the correct title for me. atheists believe in no god, and that there is nothing waiting in the afterlife besides nonexistence. despite my godless nature, i find it impossible to accept that this life is the end of things. this article here embodies my thoughts articulately:

"I’ve come face to face with not-existing. It’s scary. Really scary. I’ve never experienced anything scarier. I can call it “fear,” but it’s more than that. Worse than that. Regular fear arises when something bad is happening or could happen.

But primal fear is looking into the maw of nothing happening to you, because there will be no you around for anything to happen to. Do you get the difference? I hope so. I don’t know if I can describe it any more clearly.

This experience has come to me about a dozen times. Mostly while I’m going to sleep. Occasionally in meditation. It isn’t something that I can bring about on my own. It isn’t a thought; it isn’t an emotion; it isn’t a perception. It’s as if a curtain covering non-existence opens for a moment, giving me a peek into a nothingness that is absolute.

Because I’m not there. I mean, I’m obviously there at the moment, looking into the depths of not-existing for eternity. Yet what I feel all the way down to the marrow of my being is what it means to live for a time and then to not live for all the rest of time.

That feeling grabs my attention, for sure. I feel like I’m staring at the Most Real Thing in existence. Which is, paradoxically, non-existence. More accurately, my non-existence."

via: Church of the Churchless

this is a troublesome period the world is in right now, i need to hurry up and get paid. i need some ganja to calm my nerves.

.[gzma]

King.

i can't even say anything really...

one of my favorite songs.

[r.i.p.]

=).

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

this is Aliyah. chances are, if you're following me, you're following her. if you're not though, kill yourself a little. i'm posting this particular vlog of hers cuz i'm heavily mentioned on here. like, the whole second half of the video. you should check the others out as well, along with her regular posts. this one (click) is one of my particular favorites, just cuz of the random assortment of things. i'm a fan of random ("i'm an agent of chaos" lol, TDK ftw).

gotta be at work by 1:30 today for my first day of training. i'm employed...it's so weird!

it does make me feel like less of a bummy nigga though, cuz that (among other things) has been kind of holding my self-esteem down lately.

o, and before i go: TRANSFORMERS WAS FUCKING BOSS!!! Optimus Prime is a BEAST, and Bumblebee is a CLOSE-ASS second. i DEFINITELY have to see this after a blunt or two...or three.

one more thing: i'd like to say a big FUCK YOU to all the drunks/crazies/beggars in Assassin's Creed. yes, they're fictional characters. i don't give a fuck. if i fail a mission ONE MORE TIME because of them bothering me and blowing my cover? killing spree. point blank.

ok, gotta finish getting ready for (pause) work.

[werd].

p.s. i really gotta stop doing these blogs in a rush, i miss taking the time to add different formats y colors y all.

fml.

Q: Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror?

A: I'm used to it.

it's not that i necessarily dislike the way i look, i just know that my opinion of myself is pretty much limited to myself only. everyone that sees me in person sees me for what i am: ugly. at least physically. surely people have noticed why i never smile in pictures. i hate the fact that my physical appearance is so harshly frowned upon by popular society, but what i hate even more is that i contribute to it. time and time again i've felt like such a fucking hypocrite for laughing at other peoples' physical shortcomings, knowing that when it came down to it i could easily turn around and be the subject of my own laughter and ridicule. i think i hate myself. being me makes it impossibly hard to get girls (though i do get lucky here and there), get invited to parties, etc...

high school was fucking TERRIBLE. third most horrible experience in my lifetime after the death of my dad and grandpa. the two girls i fell irreparably in love with never even considered me the way i did them. i think that's why it's so hard for me to find work, nobody wants some CHUD like me standing behind the counter or serving them food. maybe i'll apply for some hard labor job. i'm exceptionally strong, so maybe that'll work out. no one gives a fuck what you look like when you're moving boxes.

in short, fuck. my. life. ...hard.

.[gzma]

fancy.

i may have an interview today with a company i've never heard of. that's not really enough to deter me because it involves getting me money. if there are any unsavory details, i'll turn them down when i hear them.

if you're female, sexy (phsyically OR mentally), smart, funny, and non-related, then i've imagined wild sex with you at least once...maybe twice.

i'm going to see transformers on wednesday morning, the first showing of the day (not counting the midnight premiere). i went to see Spider-Man 3 at midnight, and it's pretty much just the same, only some guy comes and welcomes you to the late showing. i've decided that it's better to watch a movie when there's less of a possibility of me dozing off halfway through it. i saw the first Dark Knight showing of the day and i was WIDE awake to take in all of the awesome.

i love the song Fancy by The-Dream, especially the part right at the end when the drums kick in ("i'm wildly swerving...etc...) and it switches to Right Side of My Brain. actually, my favorite part of the album is how the songs run together from Take U Home 2 My Mama all the way to Right Side of My Brain.

i'm drinking a big-ass mug of vodka y cranberry at 10a.m. and i hate alcohol. i just feel like benig fucked up right now.

i wish i could lift my mom's huge-ass tv without dying, i wanna play my PS3 on it in the living room.

[10 hours later...]

well...uh...bye?

[werd].

a collection of insensitive/wrong thoughts/actions.

Caillou pisses me off in the worst way...whiny little fucker. does he have cancer? i hope he dies. the cat too. the theme song makes me cringe.

i wanna fuck beyonce til she hits high notes. like, i wanna slide my dick in reaaaaaaal slow while she sings At Last (fuck etta james) to me. then when she goes into the first verse i'm a remix that shit and kick up the tempo.

if she's hot now, i wanna fuck my kindergarten crush. hard.

i tripped over a midget twice in the same day. laughed both times.

retarded kids will forever be subjected to my laughter.

i punctured tires on 10 different cars in the neighborhood across the road early this morning. i don't give a fuck if we're in the suburbs, i'm tryna start a turf war.

i walked through wal-mart with a grim reaper mask on halloween and people thought it was funny. i did it again last week and people looked at me weird...i don't get it.

i kinda wanted the sped from What's Eating Gilbert Grape to die...wait, did he die? i don't remember. i wanted him to though. i gotta watch the movie and see.

i saw rims getting stolen once...i just laughed.

when i was 13 i convinced a college student to play with herself on webcam on multiple occasions. i kept telling her i'd set my camera up "later". i had no camera whatsoever. didn't plan on buying one either.

in 3rd grade all the boys in my class jumped the muslim kid. i wasn't involved until he stretched my pokemon shirt trying to keep himself from falling. i whooped his ASS. pokemon was my shit.

in 4th grade i stole this douchebag's dragonball z cards and sold them back to him for $10.

no remorse.

[werd].

persistence.

"People get their hearts broken. Losers get their hearts broken inadvertantly."

you've got to be fucking kidding me...

i just woke up...no, not from a dream, but from a memory. that's not normal. it's intensely weird, actually. to spare all the emo padding i find myself doing in posts, it's like this: apparently i'm dreaming about ---- now. only, these aren't fantasy-dreams, these are more like a highlight reel of our best moments over the last 2 years. now, you've gotta understand: the last day i saw her, i erased her phone numbers, old text messages, and all pictures of her/us together from my phone, e-mail, myspace...damn near everything. seeing her hurts because, as bumfuck retarded as it sounds, i was in some sort of love with her. i seriously tried HARD to just erase her from my life and, up until now, it worked. but...christ, seeing her in my dreams shook me so much i woke up shaking...and i promise i'll stop sleeping if it means not seeing her anymore. i just can't deal with that shit. i'm all fucked up enough with all of this other shit as it is.

in short: i miss her so fucking much, but i don't want to.

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"

ok, but what do you do when the lemonade you make turns out to be nasty as fuck?

sometimes.

sometimes i think the only reason i haven't killed myself yet is because i don't want to die looking the way i do.

puppet.

there are days when this room feels like a tomb, and my hands are chained to the keyboard: going through a limited range of motions repeatedly. depressed people have this thing about holding up a happy facade. i'd like to know what emotions lie behind the person holding up the depression. the puppet master's puppet master, so to speak. i know myself well enough to know that there's some other driving force behind me, but not well enough to know what it is.

green.

"I find being an asshole and being a kind person equally enjoyable. I never know which one i'm going to be on a given day. It's purely situational."

it's 3:15 pm. in 2 hours' time i should be high off my ass sitting in front of the tv, laughing raucously (at some point i may even turn the tv on too). i've been weed-less for a little over a week now and, though i'm not anti-sobriety, i'm all too ready to sink below the influence again (by getting high...lol, oxymoronic). i'm curious to see how i'd act under the influence of weed AND alcohol. the last time i actually had enough alcohol to induce inebriation was in '06. since then i've had drinks of course, but when i realized that i wasn't aquiring a taste for it i stopped. idk...i guess i've got this stigma about drinking poison, go figure. i don't know why people resort to alcohol when life gets hard, the side-effects aren't worth it. i prefer weed. it doesn't make me nauseous, doesn't give me a hangover, isn't addictive, and you NEVER hear about somebody getting high and beating their wife in a faded rage. when i get high, all i wanna do is eat, listen to music, watch movies, and fuck. i've got this thing about watching movies with CGI in them when i'm high. transformers, specifically. nothing beats getting high and watching giant robots duke it out in the middle of the city. and the higher i get, the more realistic it looks.

hm...i think i wanna watch transformers now.

[werd].

UPDATE: why am i not high right now?

"My man had a situation go down, so it'll be later tonight or tomorrow around noon."

FUCK. i mean, i know shit happens but...FUCK! oh well...tomorrow it is, then.

warning.

i got my camera to work today! that, of course, means that i can record again! i recorded two verses today. one for Knock You Down, and then another over the I'm Illy (T.I.) beat. they came out pretty nice, but i (personally) can tell that i'm out of practice. a few more days of recording and i should be as well-oiled and beasty as ever.

lol, anyways...to the verses...(click the links)

KYD

-lol, i wrote this verse back when i kinda-sorta meant it. no more.

Warning

o, and this is me officially returning from my writing hiatus.

i'm getting a mic within the next few weeks, then i'm recording songs...then i'm doing shows all through ATL w/ my n0t-as-talented-as-me cousin.

[werd].

i9noranc3.

5 is not interchangeable with S, 3 is not interchangeable with E, 4RM will NEVER be FROM, and how the FUCK did 9 become interchangeable with G?!?

conclusion?

you, sir*, are a dumbass.

*by 'you' i mean any of the generation Y/Z dumbasses that employ the use of that retarded numbers shit.  religiously.

[werd].