i just found out a few hours ago...around 10, i think. i mean, she was 81, so she lived a full life and all...but in my head it's like "damn...eccentric old, eyelash-story tellin', always gave me a dollar, sweet as can be aunt zelma's gone...fuck".
that's not what hit me the hardest though, because, like i said, she was 81 and had lived a full life. what really hurt me was my grandma's reaction. seriously, that kind of pain is impossible to hide and she made no attempts to do so. i just found out i don't really know how to diffuse that level of sadness. all i could do was stand with my arm around her as she listened to the bad news bearer...pretty much just trying to be right there and provide whatever support i could. she's a damn strong woman though, undoubtedly. after she got off the initial call, she went about the arduous task of calling her other sisters (2 left now, and a brother held out of touch by my shameful-ass cousins.) to tell them the news. it's like she did exactly what i tried to do for her. she held her composure exceedingly well as she tried to console them. that right there amazes me. that strength...because if MY sister (or cousin, who's like another sister) died? fuck the world, i'm goin off to my room, door locked, music on blast, and i gotta shut down for a day or two.
so that's got me feeling bad, then my mom comes home...and my grandma's asleep. so i gotta be the one to tell her that her aunt's dead. i've never had to inform someone that another family member's dead, but i didn't wanna pretend like everything was fine and have my grandma tell her in the morning...and i kinda just blurted it out. she deflated when she heard the news. her expression fell, and she sighed heavily. i could just see that i'd ruined her night...and then, after apologizing for doing so, i find out someone else had already put her in a depressed mood for the night and that i'd just added on to it.
so now my grandma's cried herself to sleep, my mom's crying herself to sleep, and i'm dealing with the grief of my aunt's death mixed with the asshole feeling i got from adding yet another layer of bad news to my mother's emotional palette.
makes all my other problems feel ->| |<- that small.
ugh, i need a good blunt right now.
[...].
1 responses:
i know that's probably really hard to deal with and i can't even imagine the impact. my family's real tight so i know when the reaper brings his ass over to this neck of the woods it's gonna be hell. stay strong for them though.
Post a Comment