confusion [part].1

you ever hear/read/see something that makes you respond in a way that you either (A), didn't expect to react to or (B), didn't expect to react to again? it's highly disconcerting.

[to be continued after careful consideration].

fear.

fear is keeping me alive. i don't particularly like my life, nor do i feel that my being here contributes to society in a positive way on most occasions. with that logic, i began to consider suicide. during that consideration i tried to find peace with a god, whose existence was already in question. during that search, i came to believe wholeheartedly that god does not exist. well, with god and the whole afterlife thing out of the window, i tried to find solace in my pending nonexistence. where i sought solace, i found fear. simply put, my mind cannot wrap itself around the notion of nonexistence. even as i type, my breath is short, my heart rate is increasing, and my head is pounding at the thought of it. how can one not remember existing? of course, the common logic is "why does it matter? you won't exist anyway" but that's the thing...that's future tense. right now? right now i'm very much alive, very much aware of what can happen in death, and very much afraid of that. so, as i stated previously, fear is keeping me alive.

[ironic].

"maybe i'm feelin myself too much? i guess..."

[werd].

I Wanna Fuck Your Mother.[skewed lyrics]

I ain't got no money
but I ain't like those other boys she hangs around
and it's kinda funny

'Cause they always seem to let her down
But I get discouraged
'Cause I never see her anymore

And I want her love, babe
That's all I'm living for, yeah
I didn't wanna pressure you, baby
But all I ever wanted to do

I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna be the only one that makes her come running
I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna turn her on, turn her out
All night long, make her shout
Your mother! Yeah!

I wanna be the only one she comes for

I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna fuck your cousin and your sister, too
There ain't no other
That can do the things that I'll do to her

And I get discouraged
'Cause she treats me just like her child
And they say I'm so shy
But with her I'd just go wild!

I didn't wanna pressure you, baby (No)
But all I ever wanted to do

I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna be the only one that makes her come running
I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna turn her on, turn her out
All night long make her shout
Your mother!! Yeah!

I wanna be the only one she comes for, yeah

"and we're all too smart to talk to god..."

"I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously."

-Douglas Adams

i think that faith is something you're born with. i believe that those faithful christians, the ones that grow to be atheists later in life, never actually did believe in god. i think that they, like me, spent that time trying hard to establish a belief in him. they, like me, wanted to believe in him. it's just that some circumstances can push you over the fence into strict non-belief. faith and intelligence, in my opinion, are two sides of a scale. faith, more often than not, blinds common sense. religious people often find themselves praying and waiting on a miracle...relying on the strength of some phenomenal cosmic being rather than themselves. same thing applies to the inverse: the more self-reliant and personally aware a person becomes...the more knowledgeable they become, they put that much less faith in religious deities. now, i am in no way inferring that the religous faith-based population consists of the less-than brilliant. what i mean to say is that those religious types usually find a balance in that scale between faith and their full intellectual potential. now, take with that also the fact that if a scale is balanced, neither side is at its full potential.

in short, religion is the twisted ankle of an intelligent body.

synergy.

"Maybe everyone else is on top of it, or maybe they're all just better at hiding it.

I'm falling through an open space, and I'm grabbing for hands that aren't open for me. My friends maybe aren't always there, I need someone to listen to me. I'm sick of only helping. I'm sick of having to tell others that their lives are good, when I'm struggling to tell myself that. I'm left out in the rain, rusting. I sound like a broken record, skipping. If this is all I've got, then I'm a rip off. Hyped up, its not worth it. Its like I'm giving off an infomercial of myself, and the eventual buyer is going to be disappointed, they're going to want to get their three easy payments back. Good thing I come with a customer satisfaction guarantee. And don't worry, you get to keep the free gift..."

via: Wish on the Brightest Star.

[werd].

$20 Nose Bleed.

i found a copy of The Invisible Man in my closet. it belongs to the school, but since i don't know when i'm going back (if ever), i'm keeping it. i've only read it once, and that was when i was 15. i started to read it again last september, but i got sidetracked with the rest of my life. BUT, seeing as my life is going nowhere important at the moment, now's a good time to start a book. besides, i do so enjoy this novel.

i've got $20 to my name and i'm hanging onto it for dear life.

i'm going give meditation a shot, though it will take quite a bit of effort. a comment on my previous post has piqued my interest in it, and now i feel compelled to try it. i've been studying meditation techniques all day and, though apparently it has no negative/positive affect, i think i'm going to go with the lotus position. though i will probably incorporate the sit-stand method, seeing as i'm completely novice to this.

i wrote two new songs yesterday, and am furiously searching for my sketchbook. idk what happened last nite/this morning, but a big mental block got pushed aside and ideas are bursting forward rather rapidly.

my family and i had tacos for dinner today (4th of July). uncle sam would be pissed.

[werd].

3 beautiful words.

i'm inspired again.

tomb.

my stomach is KILLING me. has been all day. i'm worried that it may be an ulcer. i've been kind of wary of those since i have so much trouble with the physical manifestation of my emotions. i really hope that isn't the case. i mean, fuck, i'm only 18...what 18-year-old has ulcers? migraines are plausible, but an ulcer? i thought that was for the middle-aged and overweight. y'know, the businessmen with high cholesterol. idk...hopefully this passes soon.

in other news...

i need something to do. after applying to every job within a 10-mile radius, getting hired by the one that turns out to be a scam, and getting fired (for lack of money, go figure) four days later...i'm moody and bored. this is where not having a car (hell, a bike would be nice) really comes in and kicks me in my already-bruised balls. i'm sick of my house. i really wish i had at least ONE good friend somewhere in the world. then maybe i'd have a place to crash every once in a while when i need an escape. sadly, that's not the case. my "friends" seem to only be friends to an immensely limited extent. it seems i only see my friends when they need something from me, or when my house is the nearest escape from the heat. useful, yet disposable. lol, i remember when i was a loner by choice.

BUT, in brighter news...

Horton Hears a Who! is on HBO now! sure, it's only a temporary fix for the multitude of personal problems that seem to be stacking up around me, but i'll take it. besides, that movie was AWESOME. haven't seen it since i saw it at the movies, so none of the jokes will be stale to me. yea, i think i'm gonna go watch that now.

adi-

Mr.[Solo]Cup

Mr.[Solo]Cup

Mr.

Solo

Cup.

my cup runneth over empty.

flickr: here.

job.[less]

i just got fired from my first job because i don't have enough money to pay for the sample kit needed to actually perform the demos for customers.

to be honest, i kind of want to kill myself.

no, i'm not going to do it. i'm too fearful of death.

but DAMN, does it sound appealing.

i wasn't even there a week.

FUCK. MY. LIFE.

[HARD].

damn.

so the first thing i do when i wake up this morning is turn my tv on. i guess i fell asleep on MTV, and they're playing Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough. now it's really hittin me like, damn...it's true. it's really, really true. fuck!... i really didn't even wanna write about it, everybody else is. i would've liked to just stay lite and positive but...this is literally a world event. this shit is just all kinds of fucked up.

on a related note, i don't think that atheist is the correct title for me. atheists believe in no god, and that there is nothing waiting in the afterlife besides nonexistence. despite my godless nature, i find it impossible to accept that this life is the end of things. this article here embodies my thoughts articulately:

"I’ve come face to face with not-existing. It’s scary. Really scary. I’ve never experienced anything scarier. I can call it “fear,” but it’s more than that. Worse than that. Regular fear arises when something bad is happening or could happen.

But primal fear is looking into the maw of nothing happening to you, because there will be no you around for anything to happen to. Do you get the difference? I hope so. I don’t know if I can describe it any more clearly.

This experience has come to me about a dozen times. Mostly while I’m going to sleep. Occasionally in meditation. It isn’t something that I can bring about on my own. It isn’t a thought; it isn’t an emotion; it isn’t a perception. It’s as if a curtain covering non-existence opens for a moment, giving me a peek into a nothingness that is absolute.

Because I’m not there. I mean, I’m obviously there at the moment, looking into the depths of not-existing for eternity. Yet what I feel all the way down to the marrow of my being is what it means to live for a time and then to not live for all the rest of time.

That feeling grabs my attention, for sure. I feel like I’m staring at the Most Real Thing in existence. Which is, paradoxically, non-existence. More accurately, my non-existence."

via: Church of the Churchless

this is a troublesome period the world is in right now, i need to hurry up and get paid. i need some ganja to calm my nerves.

.[gzma]

King.

i can't even say anything really...

one of my favorite songs.

[r.i.p.]

=).

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

this is Aliyah. chances are, if you're following me, you're following her. if you're not though, kill yourself a little. i'm posting this particular vlog of hers cuz i'm heavily mentioned on here. like, the whole second half of the video. you should check the others out as well, along with her regular posts. this one (click) is one of my particular favorites, just cuz of the random assortment of things. i'm a fan of random ("i'm an agent of chaos" lol, TDK ftw).

gotta be at work by 1:30 today for my first day of training. i'm employed...it's so weird!

it does make me feel like less of a bummy nigga though, cuz that (among other things) has been kind of holding my self-esteem down lately.

o, and before i go: TRANSFORMERS WAS FUCKING BOSS!!! Optimus Prime is a BEAST, and Bumblebee is a CLOSE-ASS second. i DEFINITELY have to see this after a blunt or two...or three.

one more thing: i'd like to say a big FUCK YOU to all the drunks/crazies/beggars in Assassin's Creed. yes, they're fictional characters. i don't give a fuck. if i fail a mission ONE MORE TIME because of them bothering me and blowing my cover? killing spree. point blank.

ok, gotta finish getting ready for (pause) work.

[werd].

p.s. i really gotta stop doing these blogs in a rush, i miss taking the time to add different formats y colors y all.

fml.

Q: Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror?

A: I'm used to it.

it's not that i necessarily dislike the way i look, i just know that my opinion of myself is pretty much limited to myself only. everyone that sees me in person sees me for what i am: ugly. at least physically. surely people have noticed why i never smile in pictures. i hate the fact that my physical appearance is so harshly frowned upon by popular society, but what i hate even more is that i contribute to it. time and time again i've felt like such a fucking hypocrite for laughing at other peoples' physical shortcomings, knowing that when it came down to it i could easily turn around and be the subject of my own laughter and ridicule. i think i hate myself. being me makes it impossibly hard to get girls (though i do get lucky here and there), get invited to parties, etc...

high school was fucking TERRIBLE. third most horrible experience in my lifetime after the death of my dad and grandpa. the two girls i fell irreparably in love with never even considered me the way i did them. i think that's why it's so hard for me to find work, nobody wants some CHUD like me standing behind the counter or serving them food. maybe i'll apply for some hard labor job. i'm exceptionally strong, so maybe that'll work out. no one gives a fuck what you look like when you're moving boxes.

in short, fuck. my. life. ...hard.

.[gzma]