pressure.

my life is hell right now. don't get me wrong, it could be much worse, but right now it's hell enough. i'm afraid that the relationship between my mother and i is ruined, or at least permanently scarred. her kicking me out of the house has significantly widened the rift that was already gradually forming between us. i don't see this falling-out as a fault on her part, because her actions were only a response to my own. if i weren't such a shitty son, she wouldn't have had to resort to such drastic measures. still, i didn't improve and she responded as one would expect under such circumstances.

i'm really trying to keep my head up, but it's harder now because i feel even more alone than ever before (yea yea, cue violins...). me and my mother didn't really have deep discussions frequently, but when i was troubled before her presence was enough to quell it.

my sister and cousin are good to talk to when i'm stressed, but i shy away from calling too often for fear that they'll get tired of me and stop picking up. i mean, they're family, so that shouldn't be the case. i think that's just my low-self-esteem taking hold...but damn, it's sure holding strong. i don't really talk to the close friends i have for the same reason...probably with even more hesitancy.

living with my grandma (father's side) isn't really going too well either. we don't communicate well. at all. i'm trying to be a gracious house guest, but she's excessively critical/cynical/verbally abrasive and i've known that for years. still, it seems like she's kicked it into overdrive recently, and with good reason. to be honest, i really shouldn't be here. she's got SO MUCH SHIT on her plate already, all i'm doing is adding more stress. with her mom in the ICU in critical condition, a struggling barbershop, serious financial hardships, and hounding bill collectors...not to mention her forever grieving for my lost father...now here i am: an extra bum-ass nigga with my own personal problems, dogpiling on to all of the aforementioned shit and causing her to lose even MORE sleep at night.

it's funny...i thought venting on here would ease my mind...sort of relieve the pressure a bit...
false.

[note to self]: stop bitching.