fear.

fear is keeping me alive. i don't particularly like my life, nor do i feel that my being here contributes to society in a positive way on most occasions. with that logic, i began to consider suicide. during that consideration i tried to find peace with a god, whose existence was already in question. during that search, i came to believe wholeheartedly that god does not exist. well, with god and the whole afterlife thing out of the window, i tried to find solace in my pending nonexistence. where i sought solace, i found fear. simply put, my mind cannot wrap itself around the notion of nonexistence. even as i type, my breath is short, my heart rate is increasing, and my head is pounding at the thought of it. how can one not remember existing? of course, the common logic is "why does it matter? you won't exist anyway" but that's the thing...that's future tense. right now? right now i'm very much alive, very much aware of what can happen in death, and very much afraid of that. so, as i stated previously, fear is keeping me alive.

[ironic].