idk.

CAUTION: i'm about to complain a lot. also, this is more of a vent than a somewhat structured entry, so it may come off as such and, therefore, be difficult to follow. maybe.

i need direction. it seems like there's more wrong with me than there is right half of the time. the way i look seems to make girls like me like europeans liked the bubonic plague, the way i approach life/the way i think of things/the things i care about/the things i don't care about/my godlessness hurts my mother, my work ethic is shitty, i seem to have an inherent intellectual superiority complex that i have to keep in check, and i'm more self-centered than i'd like to be. just all kinds of fucked up.

it's not that i've never noticed before, it's just that it gets to me sometimes. like, realizing that most girls are going "HELL no" in their minds waaaaay before i scrape up any semblance of the courage needed to say hi? that shit's hard to deal with, and i'm sick of people saying that that's not the case. i've seen that shit first hand, plus people have this thing about talking about me around me and assuming that i'm partially deaf. then of course my attitude toward shit is shitty. not caring about shit just makes my mom sad. and i HATE the fact that she's losing sleep over me, mother or not.

the thing about that is, i don't know how to go about changing it. i don't know if i want to change it. i just don't know in general. i can't decide if i want to try and improve my appearance or just commit to my ugliness and go full-on freak show. i can't decide if i want to try and change for the better or just say FUCK IT and go about my own business. i'm in this "i don't know" rut, basically. fueled by poor self-image, heartlessness, intensely anti-social behavior, and whatever else is going on here.

y'know, i thought venting would make me feel better, but reading over this i just feel like some angsty teenaged stereotype.

fucking great time to be out of weed. i need an escape, and music doesn't always work fast enough.

[fuck].