19.

today marks my 19th year as an independent body, and i'm celebrating
it in all my faded glory.
CHURCH.

dreaming of getting cozy with an o-z and blazing into the new year. i
feel like running...get high and run...serious. when i'm really REALLY
blown, i don't consciously react to shit and instinct takes
over...lmao...i'm all on my avatar shit now...serious, though. it's
just fun as FUCK.

Avatar.

i'ma just say this: GO SEE THAT SHIT...HIGH

finally.

forget the anger and shit from the last post. called my mom up so she could pick me up for christmas...and she said i could come back home...like, FOR GOOD. fuck yes. and goddammit i'ma clean the FUCK outta my room...i will scrub the house down as long as i'm living in it again...i mean, i'm still on 'fuck christmas' mode, but...maaan this is just took a chunk out of it.

fuckery.

i'm really hoping my cousin comes through tonight, cuz if my grandma walks in the door bitching like she did last night, i may end up homeless.

i need to find the neighborhood weed man QUICK. i lucked up the other day during a random encounter (long story) and ended up with enough green (and creative energy) to successfully recreate the cross joint from pineapple express, but since then i've been completely ARID.

i talked to my mom today. she asked me if i wanted her to pick me up tonight to come over christmas. i told her i'd let her know...haven't called her back yet. it's not that i don't wanna be home, it's just such a screwed-up situation (again, no fault but my own)...close to the end of the conversation she hit me with some fuckery though..."maybe you should come over tonight...cuz your room is horrible..."

pause...pause...PAUSE...
in my head: she wants me to come over...clean my room...and leave again??? WHAT THE FUCK??
out loud: "mm-hm..."

don't get me wrong, i know it's my fault i'm out and everything, but to ask me to come back and clean my room...just so i can not live in it??? idk, maybe it's just me, but that's dirty.

that kinda pissed me off.

[moving forward...]

shit...i kinda lost my train of thought...uh...

in more positive news, i got a lot of writing done today. that's good for whenever i get a chance to record, and it keeps me busy (mentally).

it's about 9:30 now. my grandma's probably on the way home from the shop and i'd really like to be upstairs pretending to be sleep when she gets here. at the same time though, i'm checking my google voice account to see if my cousin hit me back yet, cuz that could mean a temporary escape from Stressed-Out Bitch Lady. hm...looks like a relay race.

...aaaand i'm off.

bueno.

so...i'm still in exile, i don't really know anyone here, i'm alone most of the time, i'm not going to college, most of my friends aren't picking up or calling me back, i've got about $27 to my name, and my grandma's got me baking cakes for her so that i'm not sitting idle in the house...o, and my 19th birthday's next thursday. y'know what, though? I'M STILL GOOD. why? because i say so, basically. i figure if i keep telling myself that shit's fine, i'll eventually believe it. so, everything's good. hey, i woke up this morning...i look at that as a positive now. i mean, i got video games, and tv, and movies if i get bored. not to mention the pc. if i get tired of that i can go outside and wander aimlessly or work out in the garage. my plan of action is to basically keep my mind busy. stopping to dwell seems to only lead to depressive thoughts and reverse progress.

[next...]

so christmas is this friday...and that's pretty much all there is to it. needless to say, i'm miles away from being in the christmas spirit. i mean, i'm making ebenezer look like saint nick, mentally. i'm not really bothered by that, though. i'm just kinda hoping i don't get anything for christmas (not a farfetched thought). i didn't get anybody SHIT, and i hate getting shit on christmas without having something to give back in return...it's awkward.

alright...time to get busy...been sitting down too long.

pressure.

my life is hell right now. don't get me wrong, it could be much worse, but right now it's hell enough. i'm afraid that the relationship between my mother and i is ruined, or at least permanently scarred. her kicking me out of the house has significantly widened the rift that was already gradually forming between us. i don't see this falling-out as a fault on her part, because her actions were only a response to my own. if i weren't such a shitty son, she wouldn't have had to resort to such drastic measures. still, i didn't improve and she responded as one would expect under such circumstances.

i'm really trying to keep my head up, but it's harder now because i feel even more alone than ever before (yea yea, cue violins...). me and my mother didn't really have deep discussions frequently, but when i was troubled before her presence was enough to quell it.

my sister and cousin are good to talk to when i'm stressed, but i shy away from calling too often for fear that they'll get tired of me and stop picking up. i mean, they're family, so that shouldn't be the case. i think that's just my low-self-esteem taking hold...but damn, it's sure holding strong. i don't really talk to the close friends i have for the same reason...probably with even more hesitancy.

living with my grandma (father's side) isn't really going too well either. we don't communicate well. at all. i'm trying to be a gracious house guest, but she's excessively critical/cynical/verbally abrasive and i've known that for years. still, it seems like she's kicked it into overdrive recently, and with good reason. to be honest, i really shouldn't be here. she's got SO MUCH SHIT on her plate already, all i'm doing is adding more stress. with her mom in the ICU in critical condition, a struggling barbershop, serious financial hardships, and hounding bill collectors...not to mention her forever grieving for my lost father...now here i am: an extra bum-ass nigga with my own personal problems, dogpiling on to all of the aforementioned shit and causing her to lose even MORE sleep at night.

it's funny...i thought venting on here would ease my mind...sort of relieve the pressure a bit...
false.

[note to self]: stop bitching.

24601

my mom kicked me out of the house monday night...whoa. i stayed at my uncle's apartment in atlantic station the past two nights. now i'm at my grandma's (father's side) house, which is only about 5 minutes away from home my mom's house. she's giving me two weeks to put a plan together and execute it, but if i fail to do that, i'm out again. obvious questions aside and unanswered, i'll update when i can.

reverse.

if there IS a god, he read my last post and purposely fucked up my
plans. of course, i don't believe that, so the fact that on the day i
chose to set progress in motion, i ended up farther behind is irony at
its finest. ...damn, irony was a sexy bitch today...

still, i refuse to let that throw me off...adapt and move...i WILL NOT
lose momentum.
period.

where...

is the goddamned reset button when you need it?
why does it seem that i'm only appreciating the sky after i've buried
myself so far underground, i can't see it anymore?
i mean fuck...i'm only gonna be 19 on the 31st...that's WAYYY too
early in life to be thinking like thinking like this. still, i am. so
i'm going to fix it.
my new year's resolution is simple (in words): stop being a fuck-up.
sounds kinda simple, but when you account for all of the pieces of my
life that are in disarray, you see how much work there is to be done.
that's why i'm getting a head start on it. like, today. i would say
that this is me planning to hit '10 running, but as far as i'm
concerned, this is just catch-up. key thing for me is to stay focused
and motivated...i have a nasty habit of losing momentum. i'm not sure
how to work through that yet, but i'll be damned if i'm not gonna try.