tomb.

my stomach is KILLING me. has been all day. i'm worried that it may be an ulcer. i've been kind of wary of those since i have so much trouble with the physical manifestation of my emotions. i really hope that isn't the case. i mean, fuck, i'm only 18...what 18-year-old has ulcers? migraines are plausible, but an ulcer? i thought that was for the middle-aged and overweight. y'know, the businessmen with high cholesterol. idk...hopefully this passes soon.

in other news...

i need something to do. after applying to every job within a 10-mile radius, getting hired by the one that turns out to be a scam, and getting fired (for lack of money, go figure) four days later...i'm moody and bored. this is where not having a car (hell, a bike would be nice) really comes in and kicks me in my already-bruised balls. i'm sick of my house. i really wish i had at least ONE good friend somewhere in the world. then maybe i'd have a place to crash every once in a while when i need an escape. sadly, that's not the case. my "friends" seem to only be friends to an immensely limited extent. it seems i only see my friends when they need something from me, or when my house is the nearest escape from the heat. useful, yet disposable. lol, i remember when i was a loner by choice.

BUT, in brighter news...

Horton Hears a Who! is on HBO now! sure, it's only a temporary fix for the multitude of personal problems that seem to be stacking up around me, but i'll take it. besides, that movie was AWESOME. haven't seen it since i saw it at the movies, so none of the jokes will be stale to me. yea, i think i'm gonna go watch that now.

adi-

Mr.[Solo]Cup

Mr.[Solo]Cup

Mr.

Solo

Cup.

my cup runneth over empty.

flickr: here.

job.[less]

i just got fired from my first job because i don't have enough money to pay for the sample kit needed to actually perform the demos for customers.

to be honest, i kind of want to kill myself.

no, i'm not going to do it. i'm too fearful of death.

but DAMN, does it sound appealing.

i wasn't even there a week.

FUCK. MY. LIFE.

[HARD].

damn.

so the first thing i do when i wake up this morning is turn my tv on. i guess i fell asleep on MTV, and they're playing Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough. now it's really hittin me like, damn...it's true. it's really, really true. fuck!... i really didn't even wanna write about it, everybody else is. i would've liked to just stay lite and positive but...this is literally a world event. this shit is just all kinds of fucked up.

on a related note, i don't think that atheist is the correct title for me. atheists believe in no god, and that there is nothing waiting in the afterlife besides nonexistence. despite my godless nature, i find it impossible to accept that this life is the end of things. this article here embodies my thoughts articulately:

"I’ve come face to face with not-existing. It’s scary. Really scary. I’ve never experienced anything scarier. I can call it “fear,” but it’s more than that. Worse than that. Regular fear arises when something bad is happening or could happen.

But primal fear is looking into the maw of nothing happening to you, because there will be no you around for anything to happen to. Do you get the difference? I hope so. I don’t know if I can describe it any more clearly.

This experience has come to me about a dozen times. Mostly while I’m going to sleep. Occasionally in meditation. It isn’t something that I can bring about on my own. It isn’t a thought; it isn’t an emotion; it isn’t a perception. It’s as if a curtain covering non-existence opens for a moment, giving me a peek into a nothingness that is absolute.

Because I’m not there. I mean, I’m obviously there at the moment, looking into the depths of not-existing for eternity. Yet what I feel all the way down to the marrow of my being is what it means to live for a time and then to not live for all the rest of time.

That feeling grabs my attention, for sure. I feel like I’m staring at the Most Real Thing in existence. Which is, paradoxically, non-existence. More accurately, my non-existence."

via: Church of the Churchless

this is a troublesome period the world is in right now, i need to hurry up and get paid. i need some ganja to calm my nerves.

.[gzma]

King.

i can't even say anything really...

one of my favorite songs.

[r.i.p.]

=).

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

this is Aliyah. chances are, if you're following me, you're following her. if you're not though, kill yourself a little. i'm posting this particular vlog of hers cuz i'm heavily mentioned on here. like, the whole second half of the video. you should check the others out as well, along with her regular posts. this one (click) is one of my particular favorites, just cuz of the random assortment of things. i'm a fan of random ("i'm an agent of chaos" lol, TDK ftw).

gotta be at work by 1:30 today for my first day of training. i'm employed...it's so weird!

it does make me feel like less of a bummy nigga though, cuz that (among other things) has been kind of holding my self-esteem down lately.

o, and before i go: TRANSFORMERS WAS FUCKING BOSS!!! Optimus Prime is a BEAST, and Bumblebee is a CLOSE-ASS second. i DEFINITELY have to see this after a blunt or two...or three.

one more thing: i'd like to say a big FUCK YOU to all the drunks/crazies/beggars in Assassin's Creed. yes, they're fictional characters. i don't give a fuck. if i fail a mission ONE MORE TIME because of them bothering me and blowing my cover? killing spree. point blank.

ok, gotta finish getting ready for (pause) work.

[werd].

p.s. i really gotta stop doing these blogs in a rush, i miss taking the time to add different formats y colors y all.

fml.

Q: Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror?

A: I'm used to it.

it's not that i necessarily dislike the way i look, i just know that my opinion of myself is pretty much limited to myself only. everyone that sees me in person sees me for what i am: ugly. at least physically. surely people have noticed why i never smile in pictures. i hate the fact that my physical appearance is so harshly frowned upon by popular society, but what i hate even more is that i contribute to it. time and time again i've felt like such a fucking hypocrite for laughing at other peoples' physical shortcomings, knowing that when it came down to it i could easily turn around and be the subject of my own laughter and ridicule. i think i hate myself. being me makes it impossibly hard to get girls (though i do get lucky here and there), get invited to parties, etc...

high school was fucking TERRIBLE. third most horrible experience in my lifetime after the death of my dad and grandpa. the two girls i fell irreparably in love with never even considered me the way i did them. i think that's why it's so hard for me to find work, nobody wants some CHUD like me standing behind the counter or serving them food. maybe i'll apply for some hard labor job. i'm exceptionally strong, so maybe that'll work out. no one gives a fuck what you look like when you're moving boxes.

in short, fuck. my. life. ...hard.

.[gzma]

fancy.

i may have an interview today with a company i've never heard of. that's not really enough to deter me because it involves getting me money. if there are any unsavory details, i'll turn them down when i hear them.

if you're female, sexy (phsyically OR mentally), smart, funny, and non-related, then i've imagined wild sex with you at least once...maybe twice.

i'm going to see transformers on wednesday morning, the first showing of the day (not counting the midnight premiere). i went to see Spider-Man 3 at midnight, and it's pretty much just the same, only some guy comes and welcomes you to the late showing. i've decided that it's better to watch a movie when there's less of a possibility of me dozing off halfway through it. i saw the first Dark Knight showing of the day and i was WIDE awake to take in all of the awesome.

i love the song Fancy by The-Dream, especially the part right at the end when the drums kick in ("i'm wildly swerving...etc...) and it switches to Right Side of My Brain. actually, my favorite part of the album is how the songs run together from Take U Home 2 My Mama all the way to Right Side of My Brain.

i'm drinking a big-ass mug of vodka y cranberry at 10a.m. and i hate alcohol. i just feel like benig fucked up right now.

i wish i could lift my mom's huge-ass tv without dying, i wanna play my PS3 on it in the living room.

[10 hours later...]

well...uh...bye?

[werd].

a collection of insensitive/wrong thoughts/actions.

Caillou pisses me off in the worst way...whiny little fucker. does he have cancer? i hope he dies. the cat too. the theme song makes me cringe.

i wanna fuck beyonce til she hits high notes. like, i wanna slide my dick in reaaaaaaal slow while she sings At Last (fuck etta james) to me. then when she goes into the first verse i'm a remix that shit and kick up the tempo.

if she's hot now, i wanna fuck my kindergarten crush. hard.

i tripped over a midget twice in the same day. laughed both times.

retarded kids will forever be subjected to my laughter.

i punctured tires on 10 different cars in the neighborhood across the road early this morning. i don't give a fuck if we're in the suburbs, i'm tryna start a turf war.

i walked through wal-mart with a grim reaper mask on halloween and people thought it was funny. i did it again last week and people looked at me weird...i don't get it.

i kinda wanted the sped from What's Eating Gilbert Grape to die...wait, did he die? i don't remember. i wanted him to though. i gotta watch the movie and see.

i saw rims getting stolen once...i just laughed.

when i was 13 i convinced a college student to play with herself on webcam on multiple occasions. i kept telling her i'd set my camera up "later". i had no camera whatsoever. didn't plan on buying one either.

in 3rd grade all the boys in my class jumped the muslim kid. i wasn't involved until he stretched my pokemon shirt trying to keep himself from falling. i whooped his ASS. pokemon was my shit.

in 4th grade i stole this douchebag's dragonball z cards and sold them back to him for $10.

no remorse.

[werd].

persistence.

"People get their hearts broken. Losers get their hearts broken inadvertantly."

you've got to be fucking kidding me...

i just woke up...no, not from a dream, but from a memory. that's not normal. it's intensely weird, actually. to spare all the emo padding i find myself doing in posts, it's like this: apparently i'm dreaming about ---- now. only, these aren't fantasy-dreams, these are more like a highlight reel of our best moments over the last 2 years. now, you've gotta understand: the last day i saw her, i erased her phone numbers, old text messages, and all pictures of her/us together from my phone, e-mail, myspace...damn near everything. seeing her hurts because, as bumfuck retarded as it sounds, i was in some sort of love with her. i seriously tried HARD to just erase her from my life and, up until now, it worked. but...christ, seeing her in my dreams shook me so much i woke up shaking...and i promise i'll stop sleeping if it means not seeing her anymore. i just can't deal with that shit. i'm all fucked up enough with all of this other shit as it is.

in short: i miss her so fucking much, but i don't want to.

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"

ok, but what do you do when the lemonade you make turns out to be nasty as fuck?

sometimes.

sometimes i think the only reason i haven't killed myself yet is because i don't want to die looking the way i do.

puppet.

there are days when this room feels like a tomb, and my hands are chained to the keyboard: going through a limited range of motions repeatedly. depressed people have this thing about holding up a happy facade. i'd like to know what emotions lie behind the person holding up the depression. the puppet master's puppet master, so to speak. i know myself well enough to know that there's some other driving force behind me, but not well enough to know what it is.

green.

"I find being an asshole and being a kind person equally enjoyable. I never know which one i'm going to be on a given day. It's purely situational."

it's 3:15 pm. in 2 hours' time i should be high off my ass sitting in front of the tv, laughing raucously (at some point i may even turn the tv on too). i've been weed-less for a little over a week now and, though i'm not anti-sobriety, i'm all too ready to sink below the influence again (by getting high...lol, oxymoronic). i'm curious to see how i'd act under the influence of weed AND alcohol. the last time i actually had enough alcohol to induce inebriation was in '06. since then i've had drinks of course, but when i realized that i wasn't aquiring a taste for it i stopped. idk...i guess i've got this stigma about drinking poison, go figure. i don't know why people resort to alcohol when life gets hard, the side-effects aren't worth it. i prefer weed. it doesn't make me nauseous, doesn't give me a hangover, isn't addictive, and you NEVER hear about somebody getting high and beating their wife in a faded rage. when i get high, all i wanna do is eat, listen to music, watch movies, and fuck. i've got this thing about watching movies with CGI in them when i'm high. transformers, specifically. nothing beats getting high and watching giant robots duke it out in the middle of the city. and the higher i get, the more realistic it looks.

hm...i think i wanna watch transformers now.

[werd].

UPDATE: why am i not high right now?

"My man had a situation go down, so it'll be later tonight or tomorrow around noon."

FUCK. i mean, i know shit happens but...FUCK! oh well...tomorrow it is, then.

warning.

i got my camera to work today! that, of course, means that i can record again! i recorded two verses today. one for Knock You Down, and then another over the I'm Illy (T.I.) beat. they came out pretty nice, but i (personally) can tell that i'm out of practice. a few more days of recording and i should be as well-oiled and beasty as ever.

lol, anyways...to the verses...(click the links)

KYD

-lol, i wrote this verse back when i kinda-sorta meant it. no more.

Warning

o, and this is me officially returning from my writing hiatus.

i'm getting a mic within the next few weeks, then i'm recording songs...then i'm doing shows all through ATL w/ my n0t-as-talented-as-me cousin.

[werd].