shit...

my aunt died this morning.

i just found out a few hours ago...around 10, i think. i mean, she was 81, so she lived a full life and all...but in my head it's like "damn...eccentric old, eyelash-story tellin', always gave me a dollar, sweet as can be aunt zelma's gone...fuck".

that's not what hit me the hardest though, because, like i said, she was 81 and had lived a full life. what really hurt me was my grandma's reaction. seriously, that kind of pain is impossible to hide and she made no attempts to do so. i just found out i don't really know how to diffuse that level of sadness. all i could do was stand with my arm around her as she listened to the bad news bearer...pretty much just trying to be right there and provide whatever support i could. she's a damn strong woman though, undoubtedly. after she got off the initial call, she went about the arduous task of calling her other sisters (2 left now, and a brother held out of touch by my shameful-ass cousins.) to tell them the news. it's like she did exactly what i tried to do for her. she held her composure exceedingly well as she tried to console them. that right there amazes me. that strength...because if MY sister (or cousin, who's like another sister) died? fuck the world, i'm goin off to my room, door locked, music on blast, and i gotta shut down for a day or two.

so that's got me feeling bad, then my mom comes home...and my grandma's asleep. so i gotta be the one to tell her that her aunt's dead. i've never had to inform someone that another family member's dead, but i didn't wanna pretend like everything was fine and have my grandma tell her in the morning...and i kinda just blurted it out. she deflated when she heard the news. her expression fell, and she sighed heavily. i could just see that i'd ruined her night...and then, after apologizing for doing so, i find out someone else had already put her in a depressed mood for the night and that i'd just added on to it.

so now my grandma's cried herself to sleep, my mom's crying herself to sleep, and i'm dealing with the grief of my aunt's death mixed with the asshole feeling i got from adding yet another layer of bad news to my mother's emotional palette.

makes all my other problems feel ->| |<- that small.

ugh, i need a good blunt right now.

[...].

planetrip.2

turbulence.

woke me up out of my sleep.

the captain insists everything is fine but every time i think of the initial jolt that woke me up,

another one occurs.

and it's always rougher than the last.

the in-flight movie was good. Unbreakable, with Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson. one of my favorites. though the plane hit another rough patch just as Elijah Price crashed down a flight of steps, causing its projector to malfunction.

ironic.

i do so wish there were other people on this plane, my PSP's acting funny. it's got one song on repeat:

All the Young Dudes by Mott the Hoople.

"and freddy's got spots from ripping off the stars from his face..."

i'll sleep when the battery dies.

[happy trails].

planetrip.

i just put msyelf on an airplane, and there are two things that can happen to this plane:

1. it can land safely at its predetermined destination (where that is? no one knows).
2. it can explode in mid-air, severely burning me; but letting me live long enough to hit the ocean at terminal velocity.

i'm not exactly sure where i'm headed, or if i'll even make it there. i'm not sure i'll like it if i make it there, or if i'll find solace in flames.

so...

for right now?

i'm gonna fight with this impossible-to-open bag of airplane peanuts, sweet-talk the stewardess into giving me some free head......phones, and wait for the in-flight movie to start.

[happy trails].

so...uh...shit, idk.

i'm inarticulate right now, typing-wise. it'd be much easier to talk, but i'm too ugly for vlogging so...yea...out the window. i think i'll just peruse other peoples' blogs for the time being. maybe i'll get inspired.

ran[dumb]shit.

-"so there you go, you're the retarded offspring of 5 monkeys having buttsex with a fish squirrel. congratulations."

-religious types make me laugh the hardest, christians in particular. muslims the least, though (cuz, not only do they get angry, they get violent).

-my electronics are failing me one by one. first my tv gets these weird lines at the top of the screen, then my phone decides it wants to press buttons without my assistance, then my psp decides it wants to function without a working screen, and of course there's this computer that bricks on me every whenever-the-fuck-it-feels-like-it.

-i can sit and watch MythBusters, Dirty Jobs, and/or How It's Made forever. discovery channel is my SHIIIEEET (a la Katt Williams in American Hustle)

-my mother and i are drifting farther and farther apart and it's my doing, albeit inadvertantly.

-that's MY bush!

-the video doesn't work anymore.

-Road to the Multiverse is now one of my favorite family guy episodes.

-if you need producers, post an ad on craigslist. 1 out of every 5 will actually be nice with it, and there'll be lots of them.

-craigslist is the shit in general

-i watched Seven Pounds when i was high and almost cried cuz of the way will smith was makin fun of woody harrelson.

-to my credit, i was REAAAALLLY stoned.

-meg gets done dirty...often.

-Wednesday's Child: 'cause everybody hates mondays.

-note to my cousins: when i say don't use the computer, and y'all do it anyway? PLEASE be clever enough to turn the sound off when you boot it up, cuz i definitely heard the piano riff when you turned it on (and when you turned it off real quick when i came upstairs...non-slick, destitute bastards).

-i got high and took this picture...and edited it high...and i'm a genius high...

[fin].

jobHUNT.

rebounding from my complete and utter summer employment failure, i'm hitting the work force HARD. i'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sick of being broke -n- bumass it's not funny. i mean, i'm looking EVERYWHERE.

so yea, it's job hunt volume 2: ...the sequel...0_0

[on another menu...]

i have the flu, apparently. my doctor (who looked EXACTLY like Charlie Runkle from Californication) prescribed this medicine for me to take, but (being all broke -n- bumass) i didn't have the money for it so i'm home with a fever and body aches and runny knows and a bad attitude. on top of that, i'm supposed to be hitting my connect up about studio time this afternoon. i mean, my breathing's fine and all, i'm just tired as fuck. laying down tracks wouldn't be impossible, just a chore. i SWEAR a fat blunt would set me super-straight right now, but (being all broke -n-bumass...SEE THE TREND?!?)...

yea, gotta get on my job...literally.

[and with that...]

i'm

[outtius].

madlib.

jacked this post from this beauty right here (click).

My name is Alex and I am awesome. I like to get high and watch movies and I also make beautiful rap sounds with my mouthparts. I have 1 extranged half-brother and 1 supremely awesome sister. I wish i had a home studio and that i wasn't broke as FUCK 24/7. In order for me to survive I need music, weed, family, and these dope-ass doritos. I hate ignorance, joblessness and overzealous religous types. I have no capacity for comprehending bullshit. People most likely think i'm either A) not a rapper or B) a shitty one, but I'm surprisingly dope with it. I need to listen to music everyday. I know how to make people feel stupid without necessarily trying. I need to find a job so i can stop being all broke and bitchass. I don't like it when people shut me down based on my appearance I have an abundance of sharpie makers and lighters. When I am bored I like to wander around the park. By the end of the day all I want is to put some music out, smoke a blunt, and watch some crazy shit on the internet. In 10 years I want to have my own label, a dedicated female, a son, and a comfortable-or-above lifestyle...o, and a colossal stash of weed. I guess you can say I'm ...well, what can you say?

on a completely unrealted note, Marsha Ambrosius is THEE shit. check out the songs on my playlist, a couple of hers from Yours Truly are on there.

and with that, i'm...

[outtius].

justgottamakeit.

"i know music was your life, so i made it my passion.

i'm just tryna be now what you were gonna be back then..."

-[Alex Parker]., For My Pops

so i just got off the phone with my mom's ex (from like, pre-puberty...loooong time) who works in the music biz (used to be in production or something, now he does distribution work), and he's gonna make some calls and hopefully get me in the studio at some point this week. i'm trying to lay down at least three songs (Jay-Z Meets Shwayze/5 Shades/bitter.), with the intention of getting them out to whoever is hearing-capable with a good ear for hip-hop. out of all the hopeful studio situations that have fallen before me and failed miserably, this one seems the most concrete because A) he's been in the business at least 10 years, so he's bound to have a lot of reliable music connects; and B) we go back a long time so i doubt he'd half-ass or short-sheet me in this situation. i told him i was serious and that i really wanna do this full-time. hopefully he heard the sincerity.

[man...]

i really really really really really hope this works out...and well. i mean, i know i'm talented, but i'm grounded in the fact that this industry is trivial and that success isn't guaranteed no matter how talented you are or what connections you have. i think that was a run-on sentence. whoops. but seriously, i've got my hopes up. if this falls off, it'll feel like a plane crash (yeezy throwback line: Common feat. John Legend & Kanye West - They Say).

alright, time to go practice some more...rehearsing and making sure everything's tight and record-ready.

[outtius].

faded glory.

i write tonite

under the watchful eye

of my kush-powered high.

seems like i've been smoking a LOT of weed this week. i mean, i smoke a lot in general...i guess (patchy memory...sign of good green? or early onset alzheimer's?...must be the ganja.) this week in particular seems to be noticeably...verdant. no complaints here, just enjoying it. speaking of enjoyment......OMG-UNIT THIS MOTHERFUCKING WEATHER!! fall is feeling awesome right now. the doc's got me hopped up on allergy and asthma meds so i can actually enjoy the weather instead of sneezing and wheezing my way through these next couple of transition months.

[this is where i lost my train of thought...]

serious...no idea what i was gonna say next. i'm listening to this acoustic version of this FOB song and its awesome is distracting me. i smoked a blunt around 5:30-ish and i'm STILL high. that's awesome, right? i think so. i kinda wanna get kitchen-creative. maybe make the teriyaki chicken i've been craving for about 2 weeks.

[serious though...]

i need to record some shit. i've really fallen off on my music, recording-wise (i never stop writing). i really need to organize my shit so i can start scraping funds together. i may even start re-applying to different stores and shit tomorrow. i know a lot of people are gonna be hiring extra people to compensate for the busy holiday season and i'm sure i can capitalize on that. doesn't even have to be a glamorous job. i'm a strong dude, i can unload shit for ups all day. just need one of those man-girdles that keep you from ripping your back in half if you so happen to lift wrong. i wonder what the official name for that contraption is. i don't wanna walk around talking about "ay! where the fuck is my man-girdle?!" no bueno.

[ok...on to shit i'm loving right now]

i've got this premature love for the movie Where the Wild Things Are based on all the kickass trailers, concept art, and production stills i've seen. something about it seems really incredible. the locations and lighting styles used make it look like a place i could just go get lost in and...well, be a wild thing. pause to get past the corny-ness. i got a feeling that, after watching this movie, i'm gonna be going out in the woods behind my house all winter, just because it looks similar out there. fuck, i want a giant animal friend to play with in the woods...so long as i don't get eaten or thrown into a tree. i saw in one of the trailers where one of those muhfuckas threw that little kid like a ragdoll. i mean, yea he was laughing, but shit...i'm a tad acrophobic i suppose.

ok...my stomach's really growling now. time to consume. hopefully this is me getting back into my regular writing habit. if not, facebook me (lol, been watchin I Love You, Man).

...aaand

[scene].