spacewalk.

i left for a while, and i've returned with nothing. i've been living in space the past few days. visually intriguing here, but deathly silent at times. i'm contemplating re-entry, though my fuel is abundant and the fuel lines are wholly intact. maybe i'll visit earth for a few days...get a feel for it, y'know? maybe...maybe later.

[werd].

here.[though i shouldn't]

*sigh*

[coming soon].

confusion [part].1

you ever hear/read/see something that makes you respond in a way that you either (A), didn't expect to react to or (B), didn't expect to react to again? it's highly disconcerting.

[to be continued after careful consideration].

fear.

fear is keeping me alive. i don't particularly like my life, nor do i feel that my being here contributes to society in a positive way on most occasions. with that logic, i began to consider suicide. during that consideration i tried to find peace with a god, whose existence was already in question. during that search, i came to believe wholeheartedly that god does not exist. well, with god and the whole afterlife thing out of the window, i tried to find solace in my pending nonexistence. where i sought solace, i found fear. simply put, my mind cannot wrap itself around the notion of nonexistence. even as i type, my breath is short, my heart rate is increasing, and my head is pounding at the thought of it. how can one not remember existing? of course, the common logic is "why does it matter? you won't exist anyway" but that's the thing...that's future tense. right now? right now i'm very much alive, very much aware of what can happen in death, and very much afraid of that. so, as i stated previously, fear is keeping me alive.

[ironic].

"maybe i'm feelin myself too much? i guess..."

[werd].

I Wanna Fuck Your Mother.[skewed lyrics]

I ain't got no money
but I ain't like those other boys she hangs around
and it's kinda funny

'Cause they always seem to let her down
But I get discouraged
'Cause I never see her anymore

And I want her love, babe
That's all I'm living for, yeah
I didn't wanna pressure you, baby
But all I ever wanted to do

I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna be the only one that makes her come running
I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna turn her on, turn her out
All night long, make her shout
Your mother! Yeah!

I wanna be the only one she comes for

I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna fuck your cousin and your sister, too
There ain't no other
That can do the things that I'll do to her

And I get discouraged
'Cause she treats me just like her child
And they say I'm so shy
But with her I'd just go wild!

I didn't wanna pressure you, baby (No)
But all I ever wanted to do

I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna be the only one that makes her come running
I wanna fuck your, mother
I wanna turn her on, turn her out
All night long make her shout
Your mother!! Yeah!

I wanna be the only one she comes for, yeah

"and we're all too smart to talk to god..."

"I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously."

-Douglas Adams

i think that faith is something you're born with. i believe that those faithful christians, the ones that grow to be atheists later in life, never actually did believe in god. i think that they, like me, spent that time trying hard to establish a belief in him. they, like me, wanted to believe in him. it's just that some circumstances can push you over the fence into strict non-belief. faith and intelligence, in my opinion, are two sides of a scale. faith, more often than not, blinds common sense. religious people often find themselves praying and waiting on a miracle...relying on the strength of some phenomenal cosmic being rather than themselves. same thing applies to the inverse: the more self-reliant and personally aware a person becomes...the more knowledgeable they become, they put that much less faith in religious deities. now, i am in no way inferring that the religous faith-based population consists of the less-than brilliant. what i mean to say is that those religious types usually find a balance in that scale between faith and their full intellectual potential. now, take with that also the fact that if a scale is balanced, neither side is at its full potential.

in short, religion is the twisted ankle of an intelligent body.

synergy.

"Maybe everyone else is on top of it, or maybe they're all just better at hiding it.

I'm falling through an open space, and I'm grabbing for hands that aren't open for me. My friends maybe aren't always there, I need someone to listen to me. I'm sick of only helping. I'm sick of having to tell others that their lives are good, when I'm struggling to tell myself that. I'm left out in the rain, rusting. I sound like a broken record, skipping. If this is all I've got, then I'm a rip off. Hyped up, its not worth it. Its like I'm giving off an infomercial of myself, and the eventual buyer is going to be disappointed, they're going to want to get their three easy payments back. Good thing I come with a customer satisfaction guarantee. And don't worry, you get to keep the free gift..."

via: Wish on the Brightest Star.

[werd].

$20 Nose Bleed.

i found a copy of The Invisible Man in my closet. it belongs to the school, but since i don't know when i'm going back (if ever), i'm keeping it. i've only read it once, and that was when i was 15. i started to read it again last september, but i got sidetracked with the rest of my life. BUT, seeing as my life is going nowhere important at the moment, now's a good time to start a book. besides, i do so enjoy this novel.

i've got $20 to my name and i'm hanging onto it for dear life.

i'm going give meditation a shot, though it will take quite a bit of effort. a comment on my previous post has piqued my interest in it, and now i feel compelled to try it. i've been studying meditation techniques all day and, though apparently it has no negative/positive affect, i think i'm going to go with the lotus position. though i will probably incorporate the sit-stand method, seeing as i'm completely novice to this.

i wrote two new songs yesterday, and am furiously searching for my sketchbook. idk what happened last nite/this morning, but a big mental block got pushed aside and ideas are bursting forward rather rapidly.

my family and i had tacos for dinner today (4th of July). uncle sam would be pissed.

[werd].

3 beautiful words.

i'm inspired again.