no one on the corner had a headache like mine...

alas, after a long, arduous mental battle, i spent all of last night battling my feelings with logic:

logic: she doesn't want to be with me, it WILL NOT HAPPEN
feelings: the heart wants what the heart wants
logic: the heart wants for you to shut the FUCK up
feelings: you can deny all you want, you know what's true
logic: it's not true, i like ----, not her. that's true.
feelings: truth comes in many forms
logic: well i should be able to choose the form i like best, right?
feelings: what you like best and what is best are not always the same thing
logic: wtf...
feelings: the heart wants what the heart wants...

and i kind of went on like that all night. of course, this was all in my head...i tend not to voice my internal conflicts because it seems to convince people that i'm a bit crazy, go figure. so here i am, a heart divided between a dead end and a straightaway. all of the feelings i'd sent to the recycle bin have been restored to their original files and folders, only now they're a little cramped because now there are newer files where the deleted ones used to be. i'm in dire need of a zip folder. my head's gonna explode.

now that we've established that i like Her and ---- at the same time, it brings up an old question: what do i see in Her? my answer? i don't know. don't get me wrong, she's an awesome person: smart, pretty, funny, pretty, smart, pretty, funny, she's a lefty like me, smart, pretty, pretty, etc...but it seems to be something beyond that drawing me to her. it's like in the twilight series where a werewolf would imprint on a certain female when they made eye contact and just be dedicated to her from then on. i feel like the same thing's happened to me, only i'm not lying back and accepting it. i. don't. want. her....anymore.

*sigh*
i don't like this conflicted feeling...it hurts. i don't care if that may seem sappy or whatever. when i hurt, i hurt. no façade.

now you see that, with all of this baggage weighing my head down, no one on the corner could have possibly had a headache like mine...


out.

no.

i think i still kinda like this one friend of mine that i had liked forever and never had the 'nads to say anything to her about it. here's the transcript of me talking to her brother about it a few weeks ago(read from the bottom to the top, of course):

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Kvn.
Date: Aug 15, 2008 5:35 PM


o. idk, that's a feeling managed by something beyond my control i guess

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: I did 3 things 2day miss u miss u n miss u 8/15/08
Date: Aug 15, 2008 8:32 PM


my sis

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Kvn.
Date: Aug 15, 2008 5:20 PM



---- or your sister?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: I did 3 things 2day miss u miss u n miss u 8/15/08
Date: Aug 15, 2008 8:14 PM


i still don't see whats so great about her...

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Kvn.
Date: Aug 15, 2008 5:09 PM


no idea. it's kinda weird cuz sometimes i feel like i still like your sis a lil. then i take that feeling and beat it into submission. but that reluctant SOB keeps coming up.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: I did 3 things 2day miss u miss u n miss u 8/15/08
Date: Aug 15, 2008 7:23 PM


so when are yall gonna go out

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Kvn.
Date: Aug 15, 2008 3:49 PM



yea, but we don't have any classes together. we just eat lunch together every day.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: I did 3 things 2day miss u miss u n miss u 8/15/08
Date: Aug 15, 2008 6:43 PM


yeah.
so wats up wit u and ----...do u still talk to her?






main problems with this are:
A). she only sees me as a friend, and barely that on some days
B). she shudders at other people mentioning us going out (which is like a 12-gauge to the self-esteem, but i manage)
and C). she's moving soon...

lol, C is actually the least of my worries compared to A and B

idk why i even like her still. it's annoying and it hurts for no damn reason...the whole us thing will NEVER happen. oil and water don't mix, and she's hydrophobic.



ok i lied, that's not the main problem.

the main problem is that i like ----(idk why i'm censoring her name, i just feel like it) now, and i really wanna go out with her, but that feeling is being conflicted by the aforementioned feeling.

to put it simply, my interests are divided and it's headache.

man, this post is a mess. my thoughts are all over the place right now...sorry to whoever read this far.


hm, on a brighter note, i've got three more projects in the works as of yet:
Shooter ft. Ms. Porsh
Magic (KvnTheTruth remix) - Robin Thicke
and a special DP collab (it's like 10 of us on there altogether).

Magic's done...just gotta record
Shooter's being written
and the DP collab's being written simultaneously with Shooter...(it's fun to swap bars).

oh, and since i mentioned Ms. Porsh i guess i'll plug her blogger page: http://msporsh.blogspot.com/

don't know much about her, but she's got some dope music and this collab should be pretty dope and at the end of the day, isn't that what matters?

outty 5000...and 1.